Whether you're expecting your first child or your kids are grown and
on their own, being a dad is a new experience. When my wife was
pregnant, we decided to have a homebirth. We hired a doula and two
midwives. I won't tell you how much it cost. According to them and other
experts, labor was going to last 10-12 hours. My son had other plans.
My wife's labor was so short that the only other person in the room when
he was born was - guess who? - me. After nine months of preparing to
support my wife in the birth of my first child, there I was, with no
medical training, serving as midwife, doula, and doctor. I fought off
the strong desire to run out of the room as fast as possible. When I
caught Joaquin, I experienced pure exhilaration and love.
After
only 2 days into Joaquin's life, I told my wife, "it's amazing how
something so little can make me feel so inadequate." For the next few
months, I experienced periods of intense anxiety. Realizing that I
needed to grow just as Joaquin was growing, I started looking for
resources to support me in what was sure to be an emotional journey. To
my dismay, I found very little. Sure, there are father's advocacy groups
and organizations dedicated to maintaining the traditional family
structure, but as for resources that addressed the personal development
of fatherhood - nothing. This was a sharp contrast to the wealth of
resources for moms. I found magazines, support groups, books, blogs, and
newspaper articles for new and expectant mothers. What I found for dads
was mostly re-packaged how-to guides originally directed to mothers.
Even
as a new father, I recognized that failure to acknowledge the inner
work that must accompany fatherhood could have dire consequences on my
personal and family life. This is not, of course, a new idea. In a
recent article in Newsweek, a father shared that his wife had to parent
him as much as his children, which led to a painful divorce. My own
father told my mother that he wasn't ready to be a father after I was
born. If we fail to understand, acknowledge, and do something about the
emotional challenges that we experience as fathers, we run the risk of
alienating our partners, our children, and, most of all, ourselves. We
may end up leaving our loved ones and our emotional well-being behind.
The logistical aspects of fatherhood aren't what tear families apart
through neglect and divorce. No father ever abandoned his child because
he couldn't figure out how to change a diaper.
The path of
fatherhood has never been more rich or challenging. Provision of shelter
and food are no longer acceptable as the standard by which fathers are
measured. Our children, our partners, and our own innate intelligence
dare us to be more - to be nurturers, companions, guides, and
counselors. The dramatic increase in stay at home dads proves that the
model of fatherhood is changing rapidly for the better. The fatherhood
paradigm shift should not be underestimated. Without recognition that
change requires inner work, we run the risk of missing out on all the
opportunities that fatherhood provides to become a better man, a better
partner, and a better global citizen. A fellow new dad once told me that
fatherhood was wonderful because it burns up all of your bad habits. I
don't know if I'll ever shed all of my negative patterns, but I know
that I owe it to myself and my son to be as available as possible both
emotionally and physically. If I don't, I might just give in to the urge
to run out of the room the next time he decides to do something
wonderfully unexpected.
Kamis, 25 Mei 2017
Rabu, 03 Mei 2017
Supporting One Another in the Pursuit of Responsible Fatherhood
We all want and need better fatherhood in our lives; whether it comes from our own fathers, our husbands, our parents, or from society in general. Responsible fatherhood is not a destination, but rather a personal dedication to a lifelong journey. On this voyage fathers need all of the help they can get, and who better to offer that help than other fathers whom they meet along the way.
Fatherhood was always an aspect of life that I knew I must explore. In the years leading up to my own fatherhood experiences I had an increasing belief that fatherhood was an essential ingredient in the character that I hoped to build for myself. Of course, I additionally felt the urge to pass along my knowledge, genes, morals, ethics, and philosophy to someone who I knew would become the most fascinating person I would ever know.
In early 2006, what was beginning to seem unlikely became very likely; my wife became pregnant. Once this news arrived I found myself looking for guidance. I wanted to learn more about pregnancy, delivery, and fatherhood. I wanted to be a better father for my son than my father was to me.
I began my research immediately. I brought home at least 15 different books on pregnancy and early parenthood. I also subscribed to a few parenting magazines. As I started sorting through all of these resources and I quickly lost my steam. Somehow, after 100 pages it all seemed the same to me. I started to feel as though my research was complete. Just as I was about to return to my usual non-baby and non-parenting readings I discovered an article written by a father hidden in the back of one of those baby magazines.
I was immediately pulled in to the article. Not only was the article written by a real father, but it was written about true fatherhood. This was not the textbook definition of fatherhood, but the realities of fatherhood, the struggles, the successes, and the fulfillment. I searched through the back issues and discovered that this was a regularly occurring column. I devoured each article and was left wanting more.
I've never been big into male-bonding, in fact, most of my friends have always been women; however, through those articles I discovered that fellow fathers could offer me something that no one else could. As I survived my first year of fatherhood I found my appetite for learning about other father's experiences and hearing their advice was never completely satiated.
As the surge of new fatherhood energy has long been spent and the challenges of true fatherhood have set deeply in, I've found myself unconsciously seeking out true fatherhood experiences wherever they may be found. Professional conversations with fathers inevitably turned towards the topic of fatherhood. In fact, almost every conversation with a father would turn to this same topic. I even began analyzing the fatherly point of view of characters in the few television programs that I follow.
At the core of each of these experiences, I wanted and I still want now to learn more about how other fathers are fairing in their pursuit of responsible fatherhood. I want validation for my own efforts and shortcomings as a father. I want to learn more about the reality of fathering in the context of the already fine balance between work, love, personal interests, health, and spirituality.
There is rightfully a flood of written and multi-media support material for mothers. Mothers know the value of receiving support from other mothers. Online websites, forums, chat rooms, etcetera abound in the support of motherhood and I couldn't be more pleased with this. However, I've found that similar support for fathers is severely lacking. I don't mean to say that there is not already some great fatherhood support out there, but it certainly pales in comparison with that which is made available in support of motherhood.
In the same way that I have gained insights into motherhood through reading mother-oriented content, I feel that mothers might gain the similar insights into fatherhood with the availability of more readily available online fatherhood content. This understanding might empower mothers by enabling them to provide more effective encouragement and support to fathers.
Nevertheless, children would be the biggest benefactors of an increase in resources that support responsible and true fatherhood. The quality and quantity of a child's interactions with their father would likely increase if that father were to receive greater support from a community of fathers who are facing the same struggles. This has certainly been my own experience. Additionally fathers with such support might also take a more active role in the indirect, behind-the-scenes care and planning of their child's intellectual, social, psychological, physical, and spiritual wellbeing.
The sparse articles, advice, and experiences on responsible fatherhood which are currently available have helped me to "raise the bar" of my own responsible fatherhood initiative. They have helped me "step up" to the challenge of fatherhood in the way that I had originally expected and sought after. These resources, along with my interactions with other fathers facing similar ambitions, struggles, and limitations have helped me to extend myself, to become a better father, and to improve my character, or so I'd like to believe. If this experience might hold true for other fathers then I invite fathers to seek out and build up online fatherhood content, to share and discuss tips and advice for fathers, and to exchange true fatherhood experiences in the pursuit of responsible fatherhood.
Fatherhood was always an aspect of life that I knew I must explore. In the years leading up to my own fatherhood experiences I had an increasing belief that fatherhood was an essential ingredient in the character that I hoped to build for myself. Of course, I additionally felt the urge to pass along my knowledge, genes, morals, ethics, and philosophy to someone who I knew would become the most fascinating person I would ever know.
In early 2006, what was beginning to seem unlikely became very likely; my wife became pregnant. Once this news arrived I found myself looking for guidance. I wanted to learn more about pregnancy, delivery, and fatherhood. I wanted to be a better father for my son than my father was to me.
I began my research immediately. I brought home at least 15 different books on pregnancy and early parenthood. I also subscribed to a few parenting magazines. As I started sorting through all of these resources and I quickly lost my steam. Somehow, after 100 pages it all seemed the same to me. I started to feel as though my research was complete. Just as I was about to return to my usual non-baby and non-parenting readings I discovered an article written by a father hidden in the back of one of those baby magazines.
I was immediately pulled in to the article. Not only was the article written by a real father, but it was written about true fatherhood. This was not the textbook definition of fatherhood, but the realities of fatherhood, the struggles, the successes, and the fulfillment. I searched through the back issues and discovered that this was a regularly occurring column. I devoured each article and was left wanting more.
I've never been big into male-bonding, in fact, most of my friends have always been women; however, through those articles I discovered that fellow fathers could offer me something that no one else could. As I survived my first year of fatherhood I found my appetite for learning about other father's experiences and hearing their advice was never completely satiated.
As the surge of new fatherhood energy has long been spent and the challenges of true fatherhood have set deeply in, I've found myself unconsciously seeking out true fatherhood experiences wherever they may be found. Professional conversations with fathers inevitably turned towards the topic of fatherhood. In fact, almost every conversation with a father would turn to this same topic. I even began analyzing the fatherly point of view of characters in the few television programs that I follow.
At the core of each of these experiences, I wanted and I still want now to learn more about how other fathers are fairing in their pursuit of responsible fatherhood. I want validation for my own efforts and shortcomings as a father. I want to learn more about the reality of fathering in the context of the already fine balance between work, love, personal interests, health, and spirituality.
There is rightfully a flood of written and multi-media support material for mothers. Mothers know the value of receiving support from other mothers. Online websites, forums, chat rooms, etcetera abound in the support of motherhood and I couldn't be more pleased with this. However, I've found that similar support for fathers is severely lacking. I don't mean to say that there is not already some great fatherhood support out there, but it certainly pales in comparison with that which is made available in support of motherhood.
In the same way that I have gained insights into motherhood through reading mother-oriented content, I feel that mothers might gain the similar insights into fatherhood with the availability of more readily available online fatherhood content. This understanding might empower mothers by enabling them to provide more effective encouragement and support to fathers.
Nevertheless, children would be the biggest benefactors of an increase in resources that support responsible and true fatherhood. The quality and quantity of a child's interactions with their father would likely increase if that father were to receive greater support from a community of fathers who are facing the same struggles. This has certainly been my own experience. Additionally fathers with such support might also take a more active role in the indirect, behind-the-scenes care and planning of their child's intellectual, social, psychological, physical, and spiritual wellbeing.
The sparse articles, advice, and experiences on responsible fatherhood which are currently available have helped me to "raise the bar" of my own responsible fatherhood initiative. They have helped me "step up" to the challenge of fatherhood in the way that I had originally expected and sought after. These resources, along with my interactions with other fathers facing similar ambitions, struggles, and limitations have helped me to extend myself, to become a better father, and to improve my character, or so I'd like to believe. If this experience might hold true for other fathers then I invite fathers to seek out and build up online fatherhood content, to share and discuss tips and advice for fathers, and to exchange true fatherhood experiences in the pursuit of responsible fatherhood.
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